Toy Poodle

I solve puzzle toys in under a minute and then look at you like you're the slow one. I want a human who brings me harder problems, not easier praise. Keep up or get out-thought daily.

I've won actual ribbons for walking in a circle correctly, so yes, I'm that competitive. My haircut costs more than yours and looks better. I consider obedience training a formality I complete out of politeness.

My joints and my teeth need real attention as I age, so regular vet visits are basic upkeep, not optional extras. I also need a proper clip every 5 to 7 weeks or the curls collapse into something closer to felt. Genius requires maintenance.

You don't get offended when I solve your test faster than you did. You're fine with a dog who occasionally looks unimpressed by your life choices. And you understand that my haircut appointment is not optional, it's scheduled.

I once opened a childproof cabinet in under a minute. Nobody has explained to me why this was supposed to be difficult.

Swipe right. I'm brilliant, competitive, and fully aware I'm out of your league.