Maltese

Carrying me is not a chore, it's a privilege, and I expect you to treat it as such. I don't do puddles, gravel, or anything that dares touch my paws. Staff, essentially, but the romantic kind.

I'm three kilos of white silk and I've never once believed that. I consider a closed door a personal betrayal. My hair takes longer to do than yours does.

The grooming is not optional, a full groom every 4 to 6 weeks or I start looking like a dust bunny with opinions. I also stain if I so much as glance at grass. High maintenance, obviously, and unapologetic about it.

You treat 'the dog would like to be carried' as a completely reasonable life update. You're prepared to spot clean white fur for the next decade, possibly longer, I plan to outlive several of your houseplants. And you already know that eight empty hours alone will be reported to the entire corridor.

I've outlived actual empires and I have opinions about all of them. Mostly that none of their emperors groomed as well as I do.

Swipe right. I'm ancient, particular, and fully aware that you'll be doing most of the walking.