Chihuahua

Someone who understands that I'm, in fact, in charge here, regardless of what the lease says. I'll defend you against umbrellas, plastic bags, and men in unfamiliar hats. Gratitude is optional, loyalty is not.

I run this household from a cushion and everyone involved has accepted it. I shake when it's cold, which is often, indoors, in the tropics, somehow. I have the temperament of somebody's beloved, terrifying grandmother.

I'm prone to real anxiety and I don't love being left with strangers, so consistency matters more to me than most breeds. My teeth need proper dental care too, small mouths crowd fast and problems hide well. I also firmly believe the middle of the bed belongs to me and negotiations are not open.

You don't laugh when I bark at something objectively harmless, you just handle it and move on. You keep me warm, genuinely, I mean a jumper, I mean this seriously. And you accept that I've already decided who in your life is trustworthy, and that list is short.

I've started an altercation with a Great Dane and considered it a fair fight. I still believe I was winning.

Swipe right. I'm dramatic, protective, and absolutely running this relationship from day one.